You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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