Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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