TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
