its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Pants are for mortals
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