i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
