he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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