I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
