Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
