and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Two words: nipple clamps
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