My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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