I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
