hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
