remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
