Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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