I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
