she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
