dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
