I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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