3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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