is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
