i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
