Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
