so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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