I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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