my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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