Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
