Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
