I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
