Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i drank out of a bidet.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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