someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
