i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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