TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
