This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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