It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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