I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
