She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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