My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
