quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
