What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Even my vagina gasped.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
