Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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