Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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