Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
