I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
