They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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