Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
