A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
