He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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