I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
