if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
