You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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