she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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