put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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