remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Floor bacon is actually really good
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
