when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
