I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
