their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
