Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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