Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
