Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
