dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
